I was going through facebook pages, when I stumbled across a profile for a young lady who is a fitness expert. Unbeknownst to my body, I am really interested in fitness so I browsed through her profile. But one picture intrigued me most, I have reposted it here. The caption under the photo read "Commit every workout unto the Lord." That's when everything hit me like a ton of bricks! That has been the missing ingredient to my workout success! I have failed to commit every workout unto the Lord. When I did that before, I lost weight effortless and it's now because some magic words made me automatically slimmer, it's because the focus shifted from me wanted to fit a new dress, wanting to entice some man, or wanting to look good for vanities sake. The focus was on taking care of my body per the instructions set forth to me by God. When my mind focused on working out for that purpose alone, working out was no longer a chore. I didn't have deadlines and timelines for when I should be skinny. I wasn't hurried by the changing seasons and need to fit into smaller clothes. The focus left self complete and before I knew it I shrinked from a full 16 to a size 10 and stayed that way until I again took my eyes of Jesus.
So doing an honest evaluation of myself. I know that my weight shifts by my circumstances. Namely, if I begin dating someone. In most cases I balloon because I reconnect brain neurons to all sorts of bad habits. (Most times I don't date people who are good for me). In the few cases that I have lost weight, the motivation again was attached to some evil desire and the results, no matter how fabulous were only short lived.
So my prayer for this week, before trying to fast my way to thinness or make a thousand selfish promises to myself on New Years is that I commit each day, as well as each workout (which I pray will be included in each day) unto the Lord. For it pleases him most to see me at my best.
I haven't felt beautiful in a long time. Especially since joining facebook and viewing the pictures of so many gorgeous women. Actually, I used to rate myself as being at least an 8 but these days with so many signs of age and day to day stress my self-rating has gotten lower and lower...
But the problem is that I am too focused on externals. Having a healthy lifestyle is important not killing myself to be thin = beautiful. I could live out the rest of my life and be volumptous and I would have to be content with that. But I can't live the rest of my life, comparing myself to the airbrushed and flawless individuals that mirror society's view of beauty.
I must not let this lifestyle change be a well-cloaked term to mean lose weight = feel great. I have to focus on inner beauty more importantly and I have to develop the habit of loving myself enough to want to take care of my body. The inner transformation will enable the outer.
This battle with my weight is largely associated with my emotions. If I feel sad or lonely, I eat (A LOT). If I don't feel like working out, I DON'T. If I feel envious of Beyonce, I make my way to the gym. But I don't often think about pleasing God. I mean, in general as a Christian I am supposed to say that I want to please him and of course I should follow up with my actions but I don't habitually and consciously choose to please him. AND I COULD.
If God were like some of the guys I have been attracted to I would do my best to please him. Those guys, now just memories, weren't even worthy of my efforts to please and satisfy but I did it nonetheless, to make them love me. And even when I tried my best, oftentimes it never worked.
But God, who loves me and takes care of me, and watches me swing emotional pendulums in efforts to jump through hoops for others, is waiting for me to shift my direction away from pleasing self and others and turn it to him.
I am tired of disappointing him. I am tired of not even considering that I am disappointing him. I want him to be proud of me. I want to please him and I will.
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I saw a picture of myself today, it was only a year and a half ago but I couldn't recognize myself because I was so slim. I mean, slim for me. A friend of mine got me into doing 10 day lemonade fasts to lose weight (well water weight) quickly. She and I would binge eat healthy foods in large portions and then after "bloating up" and not being able to really fit our clothes we would fast. And I tell you it actually worked. Eventually we kept shrinking and in that picture, which I took a few weeks after breaking a 10 day all water fast, I was at my smallest.
I looked at the picture and thought of how beautiful I would be if I could only be that size again. I looked at that picture and craved a way to reach my goals faster. For instance, instead of bloggin now, I could be working out for my second time today. But I realized, that what I am trying to achieve is not quick results. I have had those come and go. I want to have a lifestyle change.
I started my day with working out at the gym and I ate good healthy food in right portions throughout the day, so does that mean I need to be a mad women and work out some more at 1:30am, as if that one action is going to shrink me to my desired size overnight? I should think not. I think being steady and consistent with my habits is the best way to win this race. But of course if that fails, I could always just get gastric bypass. lol.
For me, self is the Final frontier. During the past two weeks, I have been excited about working out. But since my exercise routine varies with my emotional state, I don't have to mention that that excitement had dwindled and I have been inconsistent. My friend has tried to text me or encourage me to blog to keep me focused on my goals but alas, I haven't been able to muster the emotional energy to push myself through.
WHY OH WHY is being consistent in exercise this difficult? My eating habits aren't too bad. I am vegetarian/sometimes vegan and I love eating healthy food (that tastes good). But actually, I have a fridge full of fresh fruit and vegetables and yet for the past two days I have been living off of cooked and fried foods, albeit healthy-type foods. OK, so it's clear that I've got work to do.
Tonight I started. I pushed myself out of my slump, denied my desire to crawl into bed and pretend that I will double up on my exercise tomorrow and I did it! I did only about 20 minutes of intense weight training. But my objective is not to do so much exercise that I tire of it when I reach my goal but to do just enough to help me achieve my goals while making it a natural and effortless part of my lifestyle. I am in my 30s now, so if I don't make this a habit soon, I fear it will never happen.
I am encouraged by the fact that I am drinking more water and eating less. Tomorrow I plan to do come Cardio at the gym and eat some of the fresh food in my fridge.
I am on my way, I just have to practice denying self and I believe that I can do it.
The word surrender is no where to be found in the KJV of the bible. But the state of surrendering precedes the act of submission. I must surrender my will to God, which allows me the freedom to submit to His plan for my life. I don't know if I accomplished that today. I did workout, for an hour at the gym. But I ate two heavy (but nutrious meals). I didn't feel sick to my stomach today, no acv but I didn't feel particuarlly productive. I must learn to be temperant in all things. Going to bed after 4, proves I got much work to do.
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